Hearing My Soul--Trip to Delani

June, 05
Mingtang has been talking about needing to go to Alaska for years. His teacher has told him that there are eight places in the world that hold the same teaching. Shaolin is one. Of the other seven places, Mingtang was only able to remember Tibet, Alaska and French-Swiss Alps. So when he said we are going to Denali (Mt. McKinley), I was ecstatic. Several people wanted to go but one by one, they dropped out. By the end, it was just Mingtang and I. Many people asked me, what are you going to do up there? I said, I don’t know. In fact, I don’t have the slightest idea what crazy wild things could happen to Mingtang, and if I would be able to feel anything at all.
The first three days got harder and harder. Later I realized that it was like waking up layers of numbness, the tingling sensation was unbearable and irritating. But during the three days I wondered many times why I volunteered to come, why I am here at all, and what I am suppose to be doing.
The days felt much colder than Anchorage, on which we based our packing. And the nights were freezing. I caught a cold the very first day, and my menstrual cycle had to start, too. I piled up both sleeping bags, and my nose froze when it was outside. Curling up in a tight ball, I fantasized about stretching out on the grass under the sun back in Seattle. It rained day and night. There were even thunders one night. I was trapped, bundled up in our tiny RV truck.
Mingtang spent most of the time in the cab. I was left alone. I fidgeted around for most of the days before settling into reading, with all my layers, hats and two sleeping bags wrapped around. Of course it was impossible to get comfortable enough to meditate.
The fourth day I woke up kicking sleeping bags off of me. I walked out of the RV and was dumbstruck. Not only was it not raining, there was not a single cloud overhead. Along the horizon, there were an edge of white fluff, like ruffles. We took a couple of long bus rides and saw many kinds of wild animals including seven bears within feet. The old majestic—Denali was clearly in view. Every worker there commented on how abnormal this clear weather is for this area, and how rare the mountain showed itself so completely.
For the next three days, the sun remained out. It not only warmed my physical body, something else melted in me and around me. How do I describe it? I woke up. I heard myself. I heard my soul speaking to the rest of me. I was being with ME. For hours and hours I was simply being. There was no anxiousness about time, about being here or about being alone. That lonely feeling I got often when I was in the city alone in my house, it never rose.
I was moment by moment, constantly and always fascinated by ME, hearing ME. It was a most content feeling that I don’t remember ever experiencing. I inhabited every cell of my physical being, without effort. I constantly felt qi flowing, easily and deliciously. My mind acted the most strangely—it was not busy. It did not have seven continuous thoughts weaving and wondering. It was at ease, too, more like a sparingly decorated blue sky—thoughts were weightless, and they drifted in and out like ethereal clouds. They didn’t hold on to me.
For the first time I physically felt my heart easing. I didn’t know that for the most of the time my heart was actually tense and lifted until it dropped into its place, its casing, its home. I never knew before this physical experience that the Chinese saying “to lay down one’s heart” is not just psychological. When this happened, my spirit thanked me. And I drifted into meditation, time and time again, without intentionally doing so. My entire being came into the meditative state in the middle of reading a sentence, in the middle of thinking a thought, and in the middle of writing a word.
While this complete easement was happening to me, Mingtang got the direct transmission he came here for, during the night of the thunder. By the sixth day, his mission at Denali was complete and was ready to move onto the next place by the sea. I did not want to pick up and go. There was no desire to do, only be. My soul, my whole being wanted to remain in this place, a place that enabled all the space for my soul to roam free, for ME to feel the most freedom I have ever felt being in my body.
Driving back to Anchorage, both Mingtang and I felt the surround air thickening, vibrating faster, and more chaotically, the noise increasing to eventual grating and deafening level for the tender soul. Layer by layer, my qi field and my body numbed, until an hour north of the city, I could no longer hear or feel ME. Sadness felt numb, too, and it turned into a low level, constant aggravation. I wish we could turn back. But Mingtang needed to continue his mission by the sea.
Mingtang completed his direct transmission from the lineage after our trip around the Turnagen Arms. He learned that in order to heal human beings, we must know the ocean lives. Our bodies are like the earth, seventy percent of it being water. Most diseases are caused by micro-lives in the water. To be a shaman as the very first shaman—the medicine man, one not only need to be connected by the animal and plant spirits to go into the underworld, one must also know the essence of the lives in the ocean in order to heal. He now has tremendous amount of material downloaded and need to be digested during meditation. Shaolin will serve just that purpose. I am sure Mingtang will bring much teaching next year to us on healing.
Before the Alaska trip I was feeling anxious about my next planned trip to Tibet. It’s not a tourist trip. I turned down several people who wanted to go with me. I plan to spend much time in silence, alone, meditating, being open and listening. I didn’t know if I could do as I planned. I thought I could easily disappoint myself by distractions such as talking to other tourists, or socializing with the monks and pilgrims. I had already asked Mingtang several times whether he thought I was ready for this lone, four-months meditation trip. He said yes, I will get what I need, and this is the time for my spiritual pilgrimage.
I did not trust myself until my Denali experience. Now I know I am ready. I cannot wait to be with myself again, completely open and available, in the present moment, giving my soul all the space to roam and be free with all of me. Writing and talking about this experience brings me briefly into a similar though not as deep state of awareness, of connection with the deep inside ME. It still feels delicious, and my heart quivers with delight. It brings joyous tears into my eyes. I am grateful.