Comparing My Twenties & Thirties

One great thing about moving is I get to look through old things, old clothes, old photographs and journals. I get to throw out what’s not me anymore, and I get to look back again at what I used to be.

The biggest sigh didn’t come from trying on clothes that don’t fit anymore, and letting go of the style I used to love and feel proud of. It came from looking at photos of me when I was in my late teens and early twenties. I was beautiful and I didn’t know it. Nobody told me in a way that I actually heard it. Somehow the praises went skin deep and didn’t penetrate my deepest core of self confidence.

At that age, anyone is beautiful, just the sheer life force, the youthful exuberance shines through any external clothing or shield. This is probably my drive to want to be a teacher of some sort, because I want to be the one who tell the young people, look them deep into their eyes, so they actually hear me, believe me and let it permeate their core self esteem.

Looking back now I just know, I had boundless potentials then. I could have pursued any path whole heartedly, without giving up early, and succeeded. But I lacked that confidence then. I stopped short of success many times. I never did move to New York, like my youthful heart desired. Of course that is the past. Now that I am in my mid thirties, I have eventually gained my own grounding, and feel more solid inside about myself. I will never regain my youthful shine again, unless I become a Taoist hermit and single mindedly practice the art of age reversal. But that is not my primary goal in life.

Now what I have is experience, knowledge and the confidence to convey them. Imagine when I will be in my mid forties or mid fifties… When I was in my twenties, I never even tried to imagine myself that old. Now it’s doable. It’s actually easier to imagine myself in my fifties or sixties, with peppered hair and a kind smile, saying wise things that make young people stop their activities and think deeply. Let’s imagine I was in my forties or fifties, what would I tell myself in my thirties?

You have lots of energy now to do, to accomplish things with a focus that you didn’t have when you were in your twenties. This is a decade in your life that you can actually complete a project of your own, for example, building a sustainable village, or write a book, or put out a CD of your songs. You are not yet at that place of not needing to do anything which you get when you are in your sixties. You can use your experiences and energy to manifest a worthy goal in this world. So use your experiences and ask yourself, what is a worthy goal for my life? What do I, my authentic self, truly want that can be of contribution to others around me? Let’s drop my martyr self, my altruistic self, because I am not there yet. The “I” still needs to be heard, validated and fulfilled. Then this most authentic desire of the self will naturally come out and others will benefit from it.

Just do. Create. Let God take care of the how. Accept where I am right here right now, and let this self shine in its own way. Let my thirty-something self shine in its own light, create its own miracles and realize its own boundless potential.